You know, ive been to alot of meetings and talked to alot of drug addicts and alot of the had horriable stories..what was i doing?..just comparing my addiction, justifyying that it wasent that bad..that b/s..I was shooting herion and smoking crack, ruining my life and all those around me, so yes it was that bad..and what i got out of that is we all have a story, yes they may be similar..but this ones mine..My names Dominic, i was born on Dec 23, 1986..i for the most part had a good child hood, caring and loving mother all my needs were met and was pretty spoiled, my dad was a workaholic..so we didn't do much bonding..but i did learn the value of hard work..My parents had their differences so after a 11year marriage they got divorced, where me my mother and sister moved to Delaware..Where we lived at my grandparents..i went from a nice neighborhood and catholic school, to a public school in the city with bars on the window and they found crack on our park...it was a rough transition for me..my mother tried her hardest, but she always went out so i found friends, "the cool crowd" always looked to be accepted i would do whatever..i thought the older kids were soooo cool with the cell phones, cars, girls, partys..i wanted to be like that so bad, i was so nieve..unaware of the hell i was entering, as all addicts i started with weed, alchol..then pills..started really using at 13..i thought nothing of it, i found my get away..i found freedom from my life with drugs, i loved it from my first hit, i knew then this is what i wanted to do..i was so stupid..as the years went by i started getting into trouble..frequent underage consumption arrests, i spend many hours in holding cells..having my mother cry her eyes out, i laughed at the situation, i laughed at the situation like my life was a movie, as in the mafia i got my cherry popped..i ended up dropping out of school, and my life revolved around getting high..i worked, i stole, lied cheated, and manipulate to get money..getting into oxycotton daily, tried to get help after i experienced what withdrawling was..that didn't last long..through my so called "friends" endind up picking up herion at 18..i remember when my friend shot me up for the first time, i found true love i thought, now in all actuallity i had just entered hell..a life of misery, there was just so much pain in me that i didn't want to feel..everyday i awoke to cause more chaos, more tears..i messed up a couple real good jobs, and of course added on to my police record..now longer misdomenors but felonies..today i have 2 menila envelopes full of police paper work, my backround isint pretty and its there for ever to haunt me at every job interview..i wound up messing up on probation running to detox, did i want help??..had i hit bottom??..naaa i just didn't want to go to jail..shit i was only like 120lbs..so i wound up in a 6 month inpatient treatment center, where i struggled for the first 3 months but then bought into recovery, i finally felt freedom, love , feelings that i ran from for so long, i completed my stay..ended up with 10 months clean..i was really into my recovery..then one day it came out of nowhere, i had a needle in my arm once again..violate dprobation and got locked up for a lil while, withdrawling off 90mg of methadone and a 2bundle a day habbit..cold turkey, that was horriable..only to come out and go right back to it, when i had the choice, i had recovery in me i had the knoledge..but the fuunny thing about the disease of addiction is its progressive, and it doesent care about you at all..it wants to ruin your life, and it did..i lasted about 2 more months i was yet again at bottom (where i thought you could only reach once) theres a trap door at every bottom that goes deeper, this time lost my car which i loved and had so much money into, my dog who was like a son to me i had for 6 years had to give up, lost my job, i put my mom in sooo much debt that she had to literally get rid of the house and she moved to SC, with my sister..so here i was all alone in delaware..i found my way back to that treatment center where i did another 6months, so to sum this up, i ended up relapsing again around that 9months, i put work ahead of my recovery and lost everything again, almost lost my life this time..my life was filled with misery all over again and it started with that first drink, took me right back to what i disd best..Now this could only be through god, that my father came by and asked me to move to ohio with him, after we hadent talked for 7years..he saved my life..coming up on 2 months clean now, found NA out here, doing step work..and my sister asked me this one good question, what makes this time different?..and all that came out was im putting in the work this time, i want no longer to take from people but to give back, repay all i stole..help those in need..i still dwell a little of my past espically what i did to my mother, but am trieng to move on and do the work today so i can have a good past, so if i can help anyone maybe just one person not go through all the hell i did, then my past would be worthwhile, i wasent put here to die with a needle in my arm, i do have a purpose and am a good person with so much to give..So to end this, my names Dominic and im a grateful recovering addict.
You know who ever said life would be easy?..Through out a day we all face challenges trials and tribulations. Let’s face it life isint easy it’s a job..And my life has been far from easy, i struggle with a drug addiction..For years now herion has been the love of my life, i would do anything to keep our realionship going..currently in recovery in which ive been in and out for years because i know my purpose my destiny doesent involve a needle. Ive lived on the ugly side of this world..i like to think of it as hell on earth, a endless cycle of misery and pain. for those addicted may relate more than those who are not..and whats funny is ive lived through and seen things many may not. i like to look at my life as a story, and hopefully one day it will help someone, save them from going through the hell i did. You know i didnt have that bad of a childhood i wasent beat or malested..ive always had a smile on my face, a good person per say..but somewhere along the line i picked up a fear of not belonging, always tried to fit in, in which led my to “the bad crowd” where it all began. Now i can’t blame anyone but myself for what ive done..Sad to say but i choose this life, and it’s been a battle to be freed now i will never truely be freed i will always be a addict, it’s just something i suffer with. the disease of addiction..now this doesent mean i have to use drugs, because i don’t. i have a choice today in which i didn’t have before i found recovery. I was blessed enough to have my life spared to be saved..ive seen so much death all around me but it’s not my time. it wasent my destiny to die in active addiction..i’m 22 and have a whole life ahead of me. I live my life today very carefully, i need not forget who i am and what i’m capable of..or should i say what the demon inside me is capable of, but i stay grateful, i try and stay positive. My life today is a blessing it’s only through God’s grace that i’m still here to talk about it, everyday’s a birthday for me..Some may not understand addicts they may think were just criminals, bad people..but in all actuality were not, were sadly misunderstood people who just need help, were so hurt on the inside so all we know how to do is hurt, and are usually those closest to us..we can only give what we have, at some point in active addiction we loose hope we loose sight of who we really are. we chance with death as if we were playing craps..every roll of the dice might be are last..now do we care, to be honest no not really. do we care about the lives we would affect if we were to die?..no not really, the core of our disease is selfcenterdness. all we care about is ourselves our next hit..it’s very sad..but were sick people. and like i said before we need help. We can’t get clean on our own, it’s soooo hard to be programed to use drugs to run from feelings, hide from emotions, basically block all the hurt. to then just stop and were stuck with all these uprooting feelings, shit weve never delt with, it’s hard. we need to be babied back to life, because we were dead. spiritually, emotionally dead..a walking corpse, dead but still alive..So i just ask those who see people struggling through addictions to not be so quick to judge us and just give us the time of day because we all have a story with us, and sometimes just need to be listened to..So to sum this up a day in the life of a addict, recovering or using.. is difficult so when you have a bad day at work, or things arent going your way always be reminded that theres someone out there thats alot worse off than you..
Mending A Shattered Life
The purpose of the 12-Steps and their ego-deflating properties is to go back into our history and find the things that threaten our self-image and repair them as best we can. It is the means by which we discover our true potential, our life‘s music. To tear it all down and rebuild my life never occurred to me before, but the Sacred Heart Rehabilitation Center in Detroit, is where this particular hatchling began his flight training.
Every man woman and child on the face of this planet has a story to tell, an axe to grind and a cross to bear. Throughout the struggle of humankind, there has always been another river to forge, a mountain to climb or another long tedious journey to enjoy or endure.
Man’s human struggle has always been about finding the courage to take another step toward his own destiny. Good over Evil, is the reason the “Star Wars“ was so popular. “The ego seeks the destination; while the soul seeks the journey. The majority will chose to be Jedi Knight‘s, while some are driven to the distraction of their dark side. Family environment and the frame of mind taught to each child in their early beginnings guides their walk into the sunshine of adulthood.
For most children, early perceptions block the path of the straight and narrow journey. In a healthy family, stopping to smell the roses comes natural or it is taught to children in the home. However it is acquired, by nature or nurture, in the world during stressful periods of national war, such as we have today, even the most cherished of children are at times neglected or totally ignored.
It is also sad to say that human attitudes are formed in the first three years of life before the outset of cognitive memory, so without realizing it, we are governed by attitudes without understanding why. Be it Holy or Unholy, human beings do not have attitudes - their attitudes have them!
Scratching to survive in a world gone wrong, a child’s perceptions and assessments about life become distorted by lack of nurture and proper training. A prevalent attitude of parents in my neighborhood during the Second World War, was predicated on doom and gloom or live now for tomorrow we may die. I was told, “Quit complaining Boy! - You’re never going to amount to anything, so raise the glass and be grateful for what you have.” It is a hell of a way to start out your life, but there it was!
From birth to this very moment, my frame of mind was always that of being eager - to grow-up and get started making the world a better place. In a word, I was anxious to go. Consequently, I have always been in a hurry to be some place, and when I got there, I wanted to be somewhere else. Never once did I enjoy the trip or stop to smell the roses along the way. “Let’s see, I made that trip in five hours, next time I’ll do it in four.”
This attitude was carried over into the US Navy, whose motto is, “Hurry up and wait in line.” By some strange irony that all people in recovery will later rejoice in, but cannot recognize at first, is the simple fact their progressive/negative malady can save them. Getting out of your funky speed-demon, fast and furious attitude, is the driving force behind every step taken toward a lasting recovery, but I also think finding your bliss at fifty makes the job a little tougher.
I highly recommend you start now, this very minute! Beaten down to their knees, the great pain alcoholism has brought down upon such people can ultimately be their salvation.” The paradox is, “it makes you and it breaks you.” Many such people will be defeated and die from it before deliverance ever comes.
Shakespeare said it more eloquently, Alcohol is lechery sir! It makes him and it mars him. As for me, “Alcohol gave me wings that I might fly, and then it took away my sky.” The finale of Shakespeare’s low down play, is death, and the curtain closes.
Dr. Paul mentions Shakespeare-pg. 449. “All the world is a stage and we are merely player.” He adds, “I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
Does such a humbling education matter if it is by nature or nurture? and, who cares how we got this deadly self-destructive attitude or whatever method we used to overcome it, as long as we learn to fly in His sky once more?
George E. Buttner Heartwood Creations