| Needles, Needles and dreams... |
| This topic just popped up in my head, because it's a way i lived my life for so many years..i would have so many dreams in my addiction, and i'm referring to dreams like goals, now real dreams when your sleeping i also had alot of sick twisted awsome dreams but i want to write about a junkie who had hope, who knew there was a better life out there for him..I would day dream alot when i was using, picturing myself clean, living life, having a beautiful caring wife, and family, driving around in a nice car, etc..then i would come out of my nod to my sick reality i called my life, my addiction was rough, not so much as homeless eating off the streets rough but just a internal tourment..thinking back my life really sucked when i was getting high, everyday i would just create so much chaos, make some huge argument with my boss because i thought i knew a better way to do the job, or sneaking off to some room for my nap time, mind you i was at work, but Dominic needed his rest if you wanted the best work out of him, or i needed that 2hour lunch so i could wait for my drug dealer, cause you didn't want me there when i was sick, and wow i was a mess when i was high too, shitt..i thought i had it going on, i thought no one could tell me shit, i had a 1 track mind, i got this i said...i'm not that bad, but then would be crieng n begging my mother for money..a sad life i must say, huh...but i remember way back when i was growing up, way before the drugs or the parent divorce..that i would be something great, wanted to be in the army at one point, i was so into it..put on my lil camo clothes running around in the back yard with some tools i taped toghter to look like a gun (yea pops yelled at me for that one), but i always dreamed big..i guess you could say fantisy is a drug for me, living in my own little world, it's like now i look back and my life was like a movie in the drama section, some of the shit i did, i just think back and laugh at, like what a dumbass i was, but it's just the insanity drugs brought me...i think it was when i first got locked up and those doors closed on me, the movie ended and reality hit me, alll my dreams were out the window..well actually it wasent until 4days later that i actually realized where i was, withdrawling from a 2bundle a day habit can be rough, i woke up in the shower at one point, on someone elses bed when he went to the bathroom..ahhh shit thas right i remember he came back and i was in his bed instead of mine, i was soo out of it, pidifull can only come to mind....but i guess after that last needle finally broke on me and i found recovery i became alive, they say when u enter recovery lost dreams awakin..and they did, I want to do so much, i'm so outgoing, and love to have fun..that little kid returned that had been lost in a needle for so long..and now have more dreams than ever, not unrealistic dreams, like you could be the president..haaa yeaa right, i wouldent want nasty bumper stickers talking shit on me on everyones car, so scratch that..but like i have found a passion for cooking and i will be a executive chef at a 3star resaurent..something to work towards..ive learned over the years that lifes pointless without dreams, it's like your just exsisting and not living, your better off with a needle in your arm...but not me, not today..i survived a severe drug addiction where any day could of been my last, not knowing if i'd wake up, and didn't really care cause everyday in a addicts life is hell..the never ending thoughts, from the time your eyes open your thinking how to get money, how to get around work to go cop, what lies you have to lie more about to cover yours tracks,do i have enough dope left over to get me by, trieng to remember who you got what from the day before so you don't overlap your sceems...just so much bullshit i went through, but again a life i chose, sad isint it?..i think so..but today dominic has some dreams, and is clean so i can achieve them... |
Mending A Shattered Life
The purpose of the 12-Steps and their ego-deflating properties is to go back into our history and find the things that threaten our self-image and repair them as best we can. It is the means by which we discover our true potential, our life‘s music. To tear it all down and rebuild my life never occurred to me before, but the Sacred Heart Rehabilitation Center in Detroit, is where this particular hatchling began his flight training.
Every man woman and child on the face of this planet has a story to tell, an axe to grind and a cross to bear. Throughout the struggle of humankind, there has always been another river to forge, a mountain to climb or another long tedious journey to enjoy or endure.
Man’s human struggle has always been about finding the courage to take another step toward his own destiny. Good over Evil, is the reason the “Star Wars“ was so popular. “The ego seeks the destination; while the soul seeks the journey. The majority will chose to be Jedi Knight‘s, while some are driven to the distraction of their dark side. Family environment and the frame of mind taught to each child in their early beginnings guides their walk into the sunshine of adulthood.
For most children, early perceptions block the path of the straight and narrow journey. In a healthy family, stopping to smell the roses comes natural or it is taught to children in the home. However it is acquired, by nature or nurture, in the world during stressful periods of national war, such as we have today, even the most cherished of children are at times neglected or totally ignored.
It is also sad to say that human attitudes are formed in the first three years of life before the outset of cognitive memory, so without realizing it, we are governed by attitudes without understanding why. Be it Holy or Unholy, human beings do not have attitudes - their attitudes have them!
Scratching to survive in a world gone wrong, a child’s perceptions and assessments about life become distorted by lack of nurture and proper training. A prevalent attitude of parents in my neighborhood during the Second World War, was predicated on doom and gloom or live now for tomorrow we may die. I was told, “Quit complaining Boy! - You’re never going to amount to anything, so raise the glass and be grateful for what you have.” It is a hell of a way to start out your life, but there it was!
From birth to this very moment, my frame of mind was always that of being eager - to grow-up and get started making the world a better place. In a word, I was anxious to go. Consequently, I have always been in a hurry to be some place, and when I got there, I wanted to be somewhere else. Never once did I enjoy the trip or stop to smell the roses along the way. “Let’s see, I made that trip in five hours, next time I’ll do it in four.”
This attitude was carried over into the US Navy, whose motto is, “Hurry up and wait in line.” By some strange irony that all people in recovery will later rejoice in, but cannot recognize at first, is the simple fact their progressive/negative malady can save them. Getting out of your funky speed-demon, fast and furious attitude, is the driving force behind every step taken toward a lasting recovery, but I also think finding your bliss at fifty makes the job a little tougher.
I highly recommend you start now, this very minute! Beaten down to their knees, the great pain alcoholism has brought down upon such people can ultimately be their salvation.” The paradox is, “it makes you and it breaks you.” Many such people will be defeated and die from it before deliverance ever comes.
Shakespeare said it more eloquently, Alcohol is lechery sir! It makes him and it mars him. As for me, “Alcohol gave me wings that I might fly, and then it took away my sky.” The finale of Shakespeare’s low down play, is death, and the curtain closes.
Dr. Paul mentions Shakespeare-pg. 449. “All the world is a stage and we are merely player.” He adds, “I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
Does such a humbling education matter if it is by nature or nurture? and, who cares how we got this deadly self-destructive attitude or whatever method we used to overcome it, as long as we learn to fly in His sky once more?
George E. Buttner Heartwood Creations
You could always find me in a poker tourney;
Before I started ‘It’s all in the JOURNEY.
So I’m using poker here as a metaphor;
Cause I still love the game, just not as before.
********************************
Easy does it; keep it simple:
I’d agree and show a dimple.
“Just don’t pick up” this I get;
While I think of one more hit.
I‘ve learned my lesson - no more pain;
While glancing at the old fast lane.
I thought time was slipping, like glassed in sand;
So I enter the casino for one last hand.
It’s just for fun, I mouthed my lips;
As the dealer gave me a stack of chips.
Spotting – JUST ONE MORE - I sit at the table;
Because addict & alky is still my label.
Your lot in life is God playing poker;
We’re all dealt a hand; some get a joker.
I looked at my chips, then at the others;
Staring at husbands & wives, brothers and mothers.
A pusher is dealing; don’t they mean the same?
Crack, smack or liquor; he’ll deal any game.
With the pot full of temptation, I go all in with a bluff;
Thinking, ‘This is just too easy, and I am just too tough.’
Then somebody calls, as my head rises in fear;
I look up at myself, when I only drank beer.
Another one calls, it’s me taking that first toke;
Then another pushes all in; it’s when I first started coke.
Someone sits down and says, “Hey boys, I’m back!”
It’s me once again, when I first started crack.
One more bets, I see it’s me starting meth;
And I notice everyone here has a resemblance to death.
All the faces of family, that I thought I had seen;
Were really just me, before I became a dope fiend.
The pusher deals the flop, and turns up the first 3;
There’s nothing there close to what he’s dealt me.
Meth me’s lighter ain’t working, so he throws a fit;
While coke me is laughing, and takes one more hit.
Next comes the turn, card number four;
Still nothing for me, as I eye the door.
Me with a beer is leering, as me toking looks sound asleep;
Sitting so close to my old me’s - I see - what you sow, you shall reap.
Finally the last card is turned up, this one is what’s called the river;
I’ve lost my bet with temptation, and inside my soul starts to quiver.
Now all my old me’s are smiling, and staring directly at me;
I stand up and shout.” Stay away! I’m not who I used to be!”
The me’s of my past are laughing, “Come on, it’s going to be fun.”
“You played with temptation and lost; it’s time to start a new run.”
I look for a way to escape me, my eyes again towards the door;
But you can’t run away from yourself; I know – I’ve tried it before.
So I’d have to deal with my me’s - and me not wanting to leave;
When suddenly I remember – I’ve got an ace up my sleeve!.
With temptation piled high on the table, my recovery had started to cower;
But then I stopped being afraid - when I remembered my Higher Power!
Now here’s a little secret, when temptation pops out of the blue;
And no matter what comes out of your mouth, inside you know that it’s true -
Either you believe in a Higher Power, or it means that you’re here all alone;
You can always call your friends, whenever they answer the phone.
But when your present meets the past; when you run into the gang;
And temptation starts to tickle, but before it hits with a BANG!
To stop the itch a scratch won’t touch & save the future grief;
I’m here to tell you a secret; you have to have a belief.
That there is something Higher, a Power greater than you;
God, the steps & the fellowship; this is now your crew!
And with that knowledge I told me bye, I’d really had enough;
I’d never try to bluff again; I wasn’t tough enough!
peace
”The Eagle’s Nest”
Approximately 28 months ago my life had finally come to a place that it felt very level, balanced & comfortable. I had a wonderful marriage, two beautiful step daughters, a very close and supportive family, friends as close to me as my own family, a career of 17 years, a great support network, a friendly church, a house, a car and my best little buddy, “Sugar”...my trusty dog. Everyday I had an overall feeling of peace, happiness and fulfillment. I often thought, “I really think I have grown a lot spiritually, I am so happy.” But then….it all got shook up! First my husband left his job and although God provided work, it was not in his field, so the “job search” began. Then my sister told our family that she had tumors in her stomach, (10 lb worth!), and didn’t know if it was cancer. She had her surgery and thankfully all was benign and she is ok. Then my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and everything began to spin. (Until this time in my life, although many times I had thought of my own passing….I had never even considered the thought of my mother, sister or father that way.) Then my husband was flown to FL for a “long shot” job he had applied for. I didn’t worry to much….until they flew him back for a 2nd interview. As my mother was midway in her treatments, my husband got word he was hired and had to leave for FL 7 days later! Suddenly everything felt like it was crashing in. He was gone, we would be leaving my step-children, I would be having to pack up everything in our house, sell the first home I ever owned, resign from a 17 yr. career, leave all of my family, friends and support network...the only one I had ever known in sobriety & leave my mom’s side. As I sat with my friend I just broke down & said, “Why is this happening? Have I done something wrong? I can’t do this! Why?” <~(the same questions I had asked God.) Well, my friend looked at me and said, “Do you know how a mother eagle makes the baby eaglet fly when it won’t leave the nest?” I said, “Shove it out?” He said, “No. The mother eagle is unique in that it won’t shove the eaglet out. She will let it stay…& just take the nest apart one twig at a time, until the baby has to fly.” He said, “I don’t know why it’s happening now, but I think it's your time to fly girl.” ~~ All my physical “securities”, (friends, family, job, income, home), were removed & all that was left… was God. Boy… that’s when you find out how much growing is still to be done! But God has been steadfast & one day at a time, more has been revealed...and it sure is good! Where I lost a job…I gained one I enjoy very much; Where I left my family…I found that I am not without them; Where I lost a home…I’ve had a place to live; Where we lost an income…we gained it back; Where I left my friends…I’ve not lost them either AND I’ve gained many new ones; Where I left “all I had ever known in recovery”…I have found many things I wouldn’t have known otherwise. We are never given more than we can bear, so don’t despair. During the difficult times, the removal of unhealthy fear & our true Security is but a prayer away. Rebecca B.