Some favorite photos of what I stand to lose before the year is out.
At one time, we took in abused and neglected farm animals. Dogs of course showed up as well. All our animals are castoffs and everyone - those who have passed on and those who are still with us - have been angels passing through our lives.
At the very time we were going to apply for non-profit status, my husband suffered a massive heart attack in 2005 that left him disabled and a barely tolerable quality of life. Self-employed for most his life, he only gets SSI. I had growing health concerns of my own, but my doctor was able to carry me on knowing I was now the sole provider.
The dream of a refuge for the neglected died the night of the heart attack. Our home - now is in default. Because in 2007 I was terminated. Reason: "no longer able competently perform my job." I have been a programmer for over 15 years. I knew my health was a growing concern: having CFS and fibro long before my husband's heart attack. But in 2006 those around me (including my employer) noticed other changes. Only my husband sought help, for I was in my first (and only) manic phase and I sensed no problems. My employer did, but never mentioned anything, yet that and more are in my files - never to see the light of day for fear of the fact the broke every employment law on the books (ones I never knew of and they never revealed to me).
The changes involved those Cognitive and behavioral. Only until 2007 was it clear to me my ability to be productive was drawing to a close. And since that time, all has grown worse, with the added Dx of early onset Alzhiemer's/Dementia. That was a shock but it fits. In fact, on one scale of 1 to 8, I am now at 5. Last week I finally pulled the best of all: I got lost on my own property. True it was dusk, but I was so disoriented only the light of the house led me home. Added to all that, I am also a long-time sufferer of depression of over 30 years. Once a super-achiever (which brought on anorexia at 18), I still managed to graduate summa cum laude. But the shooting star soon burned out.
I qualify for SSDI and in June I went (with no insurance) to my doctor to ask his advice as to whether I had a claim. He all but shouted "You have BEEN disabled!" He also advised me to apply for all categories applicable. In my case they are many, but the problem is that there is NO diagnostic evidence - only empirical and the word of my doctor. Because of caregiving duties, I missed more days at work than I cared to. The doctors ordered the usual MRI, EEG, EMG, et. al, but I canceled all for fear of losing a job I lost anyway. Joke is on me.
I am now approaching 6 months since the initial filing. The stats are against me I know, and because of our financial situation, denial is not an option. Uninsured, I have no medications to control the fibro pain, the depression, the narcolepsy, the ADHD, and the rapid decrease in mental ability. In despair last March, I hate to admit I attempted suicide (not the first, but this one would have worked). I found the vessels in both wrists. No emotion, it was almost like some experiment. Only when I lost enough blood that I grew dizzy, cold and blue did the fear of living in Hell pull me back - THAT time.
My fear is that when that denial letter comes it means that all is lost. The home, the animals that are left, no place to go and an end stage cardiac patient homeless. With that knowledge - and knowing so many are denied (even my husband was at first and he only has less than 1/2 of a functioning heart, with an EF of 20, and a prognosis of 3 to 5 years). I fear what I started in March this time I will finish because surely God cannot expect someone to endure this much loss and this much pain.
DSS is useless. I was denied Medicaid - a sure sign of things to come. I applied immediately after I filed my SSDI claim. The mortgage company, notified before we were behind, did nothing for 60 days and then sent a letter for payment that was not possible. I paid one payment, but it was late and I was informed that the 'deal is off'. Foreclosure is their solution for troubled homeowners (Bank of America). Even HOPE NOW cannot offer any solutions other than CCCS. There is nothing to budget - no credit cards, no income (my IRA being exhausted months ago), I even ordered the house phone cut off. I canceled my life insurance. All is cut to the bare bones to no avail. Help from family is not an option - leave it at that. I have nowhere to turn and found this website (or rather the lessons on how to win a SSDI claim). I found it too late, I fear. I did everything right and tidy, but being uninsured means there is no updated or continued treatment to add weight to the claim. So much is at the discrection of those who know nothing. Pressured under an impossible workload, they rubberstamp most claims 'denied' just to get them out of their department and onto the next stage.
I have seen three of their doctors: one psychologist (whose memory tests I failed), one medical doctor who spent 10 minutes and never said a word, and one psychiatrist whose accent was so strong, I spent the entire time saying "Can you repeat that?" She grew exasperated after 20 minutes, never even got to the crux of any of my 'section 12' issues and terminated the session. No more appointments are scheduled and from experience I know that I can now expect my denial in the next couple weeks.
God help me. God help all of us in this boat. I see the pictures of what was, what could be, but reality sets in and I have lost all hope.
This is a contribution from Eileen at www.heart4artbyeileen.biz
Eileen says
"Here is a logo I came up with, it is Vincent van Gogh reading a letter from his brother Theo, where we read lots of documents and correspondence I feel this image is appropriate for the site. Also "Digesting Disability is Not For Sissies" is an appropriate adage for those of us struggling through the process "
Thanks Eileen
This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play.
I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting,
camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
I'll be at the front door when you get home from work,
wearing only what nature gave me.
Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy,
I'll be waiting....
Please scroll down ....
Ah, Becky my love. We adopted her when she was a mere 4 months old. Had NO idea she would grow and grow and grow!!! She is a standard poodle with a little McNab thrown in. She is the lovingist and teasingist dog we have ever had. She constantly teases her sisters, Cuddles and Binx, to get them to play or make a ruckus. But she is a sweetheart and loves to cuddle. She will snuggle with you and give little gentle kisses then fall asleep in your lap. Yeah, that big thing! LOL She is our baby who will be 3 on July 8, 2008.
