I need someone to talk to!!
Really, I've lived with this man for almost 8 years. Why? I keep asking myself that all the time.
We have nothing in common. Just to have a conversation with him is like talking to a child... even worse. Everything I try to talk to him about has to be explained over and over again until I find a way to get him to understand whatever I am talking about. I can tell my own children something, explain it once and they can undestand any conversation. Not him!
And then there is the constant negativity and the gloom and doom attitude of his. He seems to have a problem with positive thinking. He sees everything with a negative outcome... never once believing that everything is going to be all right- until he sees that it is-- and then he'll still find something negative to say about it.
I can't be myself around him. He seems to feel extremely insecure with the fact that I have many friends and that I enjoy being with them and they enjoy being with me. In his mind no one can really like me and everyone is just using me and making me into a fool. In his mind- I sleep around with every man in the world that I encounter or work with. Geez! If only that was true! I may be able to lose a few pounds with such an activity and put an end to my 3 year dry spell! But I have never been a sleep around type of gal... too many things out there to be afraid of. I'm not willing to take any risk. We don't even sleep together. We haven't slept together in 3 years- ever since he began drinking. We do live together, but sleep in seperate rooms. I dread weekends- especially when I have to work or running errands in town. He is a very verbally abusive drunk to me and to my three boys. We are all so tired of living here with him and under these conditions. Why are we still here? I have tried to find an affordable place to live- with no luck. I am on a long waiting list for housing. I've looked towards any services that may be of help- to no avail at this time. So, I'm not giving up- I just have to deal with this situation until God makes a way. And yes-- I pray!

Meanwhile, it's like living alone. I would love to have a man in my life that will always put me first, who is not insecure in my strength and intelligence as a woman. Who has no problem with me just being me. I would love to have a partner with whom I can have a conversation with and not have to explain what I am talking about. Someone who can enjoy every little thing in life and find joy in just the smallest thing- even if it is some small act of kindness towards another person.
Mind you- this is not me trying to make some kind of love connection here. It will take a very long time before I am ready to allow anyone into my heart. As far as finding my soul mate- I just don't know if such a thing actually exist for me. And that's cool. I think I would rather be alone than to go through any more bad relationships. I have better things to do with my time. Besides, perhaps once I find a place of my own, I can allow male friends to be friends with benefits. [*winking with a smile*]

Well, I guess I've vented enough for now. At least it made me feel better actually writing all this down. I can laugh at myself. Oh by the way- please don't feel like you need to give me any advice on my bad situation. Believe me... you can't tell me anything I haven't aready told myself over and over again. I need a home. It's that simple. I truly need a home of my own. I'm so disappointed that at my age I don't even have a home of my own. But that too is something I pray for and I believe God will provide in time. I do believe God has his Angels on Earth and miracles happen every day.

So smile after reading this... even laugh if you can. I Did! I don't feel sorry for myself and I am happy with the woman that I am. I've made bad choices in life. As humans we all do. I take responsibility for the choices that I make. It's never easy- but they are all learning experiences that has only made me stronger as a woman. I'm proud of that and I've learned to laugh at myself along the way. Tonight, I just needed someone to talk to- and I did!

By The way- I don't mind questions or comments... I welcome them!