It’s been a Long Hot Summer

A Satirical Account of what’s currently going on in Republican Country – * Dedicated to Nandi

Outside the Bunker

Newsflash from the Hooterville Gazette:

The day after graduation

It is the day after ground zero (graduation from the Hornets Nest Academy) and I, Cyrus P. Beauregard your humble roaming news reporter from the Hooterville Gazette, is ready to disclose pertinent information that all blue blooded Gawd fearing, Chuck Norris loving Americans are entitled to know, but first, let me put my story into perspective by rehashing how it all began. In the beginning I volunteered for love of Gawd, Country and Guns to become a blind folded participant in a secret program designed to retake our country back from the Liberal, Hitler loving Democratic Party.  At a secret location buried deep in the bowels of Tennessee, the best of the best of the best of born again Conservative reporters were re-indoctrinated to Conservative principles as given to us by our beloved Ronald Reagan.  The overall purpose of the program was to teach loyal members of the right wing press the newest tactics on how to (1) properly disseminate Conservative spin, err…I mean Conservative truth about our country’s first Negroid President, Barrack Hussein Obama and (2) further divide the Democratic Party by befriending our adopted Democratic brethren better known as “The Blue Dog”.   

The Tactics – Day 1

On day 1 we were taught how to terrify wimpy Liberals by brandishing hand guns and shot guns in places that wimpy Liberals like to congregate at.  With the exception of Christian schools, Christian churches and Christian Day Care Centers there ain’t no place we won’t go to without our loaded guns.  Hell we even went to a Liberal library with semi automatic weapons. In order to drive home the point of our lesson, we all participated in a drill which had us chant, “Guns are good” for two hours straight. 

As a surprise for our loyalty to the cause, we members of the press were honored to have former Alaska Governor Sara “you betcha I’m a wolf hunter” Palin and former VP Dick “shoot em in the face” Chaney appear as motivational speakers. The dynamic duo teamed up to instruct our class on how to use new Conservative math as a way of embellishing the actual number of “Tea Party” participants that are bused to targeted Liberal functions as directed by Fox News and reported by Christian news anchors.  Although Sara had problems with placing the decimal behind the right zero, no one seemed to care, mostly because she showed up at the Hornets Nest looking as pretty and devilish (I just love her winks) as ever.

In an exclusive interview granted to yours truly by former GW senior advisor Carl Rove, Rove stated that “All Good and God Fearing Americans will never question statistics that are presented by CNNs Lou Dobbs and Fox Network news anchors (well…except for that traitorous Sheppard Smith).  In fact Rove went on to say that a poll that was sponsored by “The Sons of Willie Lynch Society” and Fox News Sean Hannity, counted using the new and improved Conservative math, 50 million “Tea Party” protestors in Copenhagen, Denmark that were gathered to protest against the Olympics coming to Barry’s hometown of Chicago.

The Tactics – Day 2

On day 2 of our instruction, we were tutored by none other than Orly Taitz, the Queen of the “Birthers Movement”, we members of the right wing press were taught that accepting manufactured Barrack Hussein Obama birth certificates that indicate that Barry was actually born in Cairo, Egypt to include other undesirable places outside of the U.S.A. is good for the Conservative cause and good for America. We were further taught that we should accept all questionable birth certificates as being legitimate source documents; even it comes from Bubba’s and Ethel’s Rib Shack located in Stone Mountain, Georgia.  House Minority Leader John Boehner agreed that telling a fib in the name of expelling that Colored family from the White House is not a sin because Gawd is behind the Conservative movement. In order to drive home the point, we all participated in another re-indoctrination drill which had us chant, “Barrack is a Muslim” for three hours straight. 

The Tactics – Day 3, 4, 5 & 6

Day 3 through day 6 we reporters were treated to shots of Tennessee sipping whiskey between lessons on “How to deny being racists”.  Err…after my tenth shot of Jack D, I can’t remember what we were taught.

The Blue Dog Democrat

Blue Dogs, Dixie’s Best Friend

Per Pat Buchanan, who is the Dean and Chief Administrator of the Hornet’s Nest, the Democratic Blue Dogs are worth every penny that is paid to them and their families by our Conservative friends who are blessed by Gawd to have substantial off shore banking accounts which provide the Blue Dogs with enough money to forget that they owe their allegiance to Barry and those other Communist Liberal Democrats. The Blue Dogs have completely re-wired the thinking of traditional Democrats by instilling doubts and fears about the President in the Southern and Pacific Northwest communities that currently recognize that Barry is actually Adolf Hitler reincarnated as a Negro. For this service to country the Blue Dogs will always hold a special place in the hearts of men and women who sing “Dixie” and recite the Pledge of Allegiance as they clean their guns and count their ammunition.   

Back to Hooterville

As I go back to Hooterville and the newspaper that I love so dearly, I am refreshed in my commitment to report to the world and Neocon America the news in such a manner that would make all Conservatives proud of what the Hornets Nest Academy has accomplished. With Gawd’s help we will get the Liberal, Nazi loving Democrats out of power one way or another. Until that time, this is Cyrus P. Beauregard signing off as the roving reporter for the Hooterville Gazette.