UPDATE: Earlier today (Sunday, March 9, 2009), there was a retrospective story about Chris Brown and Rihanna on E! Apparently -- according to their pictoral timeline, Rihanna was actually down in Mexico, contradicting the reports of her whereabouts in the weeks after the alleged beating. They not only alluded to the notion that the picture of her face that the police allegedly leaked may not be be factual --police authorities would only say that the photo appeared to have been taken "during an official domestic violence investigation" and that they were vigorously investigating any leaks" -- the candid shot E! claimed was taken two weeks after the beating and published on February 26, 2009, show her in a white bikini in Mexico and without a single mark. So I am confused as to where the truth will finally take us or if E! was simply manufacturing new sensation. However, it does not change my point of view as stated below.

I have seen it too many times: you become or manifest in your life what you don't resolve. So it seems that they have reuinted.  Yet the situation is far from resolved Chris Brown needs to be by himself and in an intense therapy program for at least a year. Believe it or not, when I saw an interview of him some time ago, my first thought was that he was an angry, troubled young man, even though he may have a good heart. But if he does not resolve his issues now, those issues will be an ingrained part of his character and who he is. No amount of jail time will fix what's broken in him. Forget, the career, he needs to repair who he is first.

Know a little about the Bajun culture and noted that Rihanna's father, who minimized her injuries in his initial public comments, seems to have no problem with her returning to the relationship. Her testimony will be court ordered, not voluntary. That speaks volumes about her mindset and supports  the fact that she needs counseling as well.

Abuse comes in all races, sizes, shapes, religions, cultures, genders, ages, classes. There are as many rich as poor who are abusers. There are many more men being abused than any of us know.  It can be your neighbor, it can be your friend It can be your sister, it can be your brother.  It is, unfortunately a legacy passed from one generation to the next. Psychological abuse is as life threatening as physical abuse, yet there is no way to legally control its effect, short of the California law on threats. The only way we can limit the damage is to help people recognize all of the warning signs.   Until we put all abuse on the national and global table as something to be discussed and eradicated, it will continue to be ignored.

This is a teachable moment for all who see these two as "role models" or are the parents of those who see these two as "role models"   --  and they shouldn't be, you don't know a thing about them, really. If you are in a relationship where he or she is verbally, psychologically, physically and/or sexually abusing you or your children or, for that matter, his or her own children, it has to be the immediate relationship deal breaker. Get out. It will not change, it will get worse -- the "I'm sorrys" do not change character or resolve issues. It takes a full year, at minimum, of intensive therapy for someone who WANTS to change to become a better person who does not abuse. They need to do so away from you. If there are children involved and they aren't yours, then you need to report it, because children have no choice and no voice over adult misbehavior AND when/if it's unresolved., become the next generation of abusers. You and I have to be that voice.

 

On a personal note, this -- the issue of abuse -- bothers me greatly.   Even though it was many years ago, I still remember my friend who lived a few houses down from me and I knew her father abused her, a lot, even though she never spoke of it.  I had helped her with her paper route  one day,so that she wouldn't get home late.  She went into her house and to this day I can still hear her screaming as he beat her.  One of the most beautiful, gentle men I ever knew and loved, died in an auto accident, and it wasn't until weeks later that his brother shared a secret: his father had consistently abused them all, especially his wife, who later died.  As a writer, I have interviewed several men who witnessed and experienced  physical and sexual abuse, and saw, first hand, how those experiences shaped who they are.  I am currently at the beginning stages of researching and writing a true story about an entire Alabama family and the horrific abuse they endured  and continue to have to deal with-- and how the legal system and the community did not save them.  If their story will help you -- or you -- or you, to realize what kind of toxic relationship you are in, show you that the door is open and you can leave, it will be worth it to them...and to me. 

 

Here is what I know. You cannot fix someone who is broken.  You cannot save anyone who doesn't want to be saved and you can only change one person: yourself.  You make his/her problem yours when you choose to stay in an abusive relationship or allow your children to be abused just to keep a man or a woman.You make his/her problem yours when you continue to believe the myth that you can fix the problem you had with your mother or father by making the relationship work with someone who is just like him/her.  You become or manifest in your life what you don't resolve.  If you are an abuser, your only hope is professional help, and to leave.  If you are being abused, your only hope is to leave and get professional help.  Don't think about it, don't rationalize over it, don't justify it, leave.  Don't let your choice not to change be the legacy you leave behind.

 

I learned that sometimes saying something more than one way can reach more people.  I wrote a series of poems on abuse over the years.  Perhaps someone will hear this one today.